The past few weeks have been the busiest period of my life since I gave birth to Olivia. I thank the Lord, of course, for giving us the reasons to be busy. However, it’s just that, I felt that I have not spent much time with my Olivia.

Contrary to my sched prior to this, I usually get a lot of time to play with her. Well, we still get to play but not like before. Am I confusing you? Lol. It just feels different.

No matter how busy I am, I am definite that I won’t get a yaya. That feels awkward to say, I’d rather say a “helping hand”. Aside from the extra expenses, I just prefer not to. Another reason why I do not want to have a “helping hand” is that I do not want to entrust her to someone I do not know. I am scared that the “helping hand” would scream at her or worse, hurt her. With all those horror stories over the internet, they just make me more paranoid.

But the primary reason why I do not want to have one is, I wanted to be the one to prepare everything for her, do everything for her, take care of her, serve her. Despite that she crawls towards me and would try to smash my laptop while working, despite of being needy whenever I needed to do a lot of things, despite being so clingy and wanted to be held all the time (I love her being like that), I still wanted to be her sole care giver.

In fact, I enjoy those things. I wanted to REALLY feel how motherhood is like. Juggling everything with one hand. Those are the things that make motherhood so fulfilling.

I am also afraid that I’d miss something. I’m afraid that I’d miss her first step or just miss a day in her life.

(I know it takes a village to raise a kid, and we are surrounded with a lot of people who are willing to help me out)

Sometimes, I need a helping hand, too. I would ask someone to look after her for a while (1 hour tops) while I take a bath, cook, or clean up some mess. But that’s it. I’d miss her already for that short span of time.

I couldn’t even leave the house without her. Seriously. She’s  in tow all the time. I just couldn’t bear the feeling of being away from her. Client meetings, buying supplies, delivering outputs, she’s with us all the time.

She completes me. Literally (she and my husband for that matter). I do not want to look back someday and have regrets. She’ll never be this tiny again. I wanted to cherish every single second with her. Everything seems to go by so fast (especially now that she’ll be turning one on June 19). REALLY fast, indeed.

My kid is my priority. My family is my priority. I decided to have a kid because I wanted to take care of her while I can. No matter how old she gets. Come the time that she’ll outgrow my lap, come the time that she’ll have her own family, I’d still be her mom. I’d still take care of her, serve her. I dedicate my life to her and I will always do.


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